When Frustration meets Holiness

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I can feel his anxiety and frustration. You could hear him screaming through the entire house. I just wanted to calm him down. A friend once told me a parent is only as happy as their saddest child. I think one of the worst feelings as a parent is to see your child struggling and not being able to fix it, to relive their pain. Especially when it affects their physical and mental well being.
Jeff has autism and really struggles with transitions and control. He wants me to do a lot of things instead of dad. Tonight we told him, “mommy will give you a bath and daddy will put you to bed” several times to try and prepare him for us to divide and conquer. “Okay!” he said, as though it wasn’t a big deal. But then when it was time to read books he couldn’t stand the fact that dad was going to read to him. We gave him choices of going straight to bed or reading books with dad, and he just ran away screaming as though someone was torturing him and saying, “Mommy! Mommy! I want mommy to do it!” So we kept to our discipline strategy to not give into his desires. We didn’t want him to learn that yelling would get him what he wants. Dad carried him upstairs in a fit of rage. All I could do was pray because I felt numb. We were doing what the ABA therapist had suggested but nothing about it felt right. His suffering felt so unjust. I prayed to mother Mary wondering how she endured watching her son suffer on the cross. Maybe she thought of us and how his suffering was for sinners to be free and be able to live in heaven one day. But what the heck is Jeff’s suffering for? He is a child. I don’t understand. My husband recently told me that when he shared his frustrations with a priest he suggested that maybe this was our path to Holiness. Maybe, not understanding, but accepting and searching for God through all of it could bring us peace. I do think that his struggles have brought us the fruits of compassion, humility, patience, and acceptance. I do think I’ve prayed more than I ever have in my whole life since he was born. I don’t understand why God lets him feel such strong emotions and maybe I never will. But for now I’m going to keep asking God to work with him and help him cope through his difficulties and anger. I’m going to keep asking God to use us to be His eyes, ears, hands, and feet for Jeff. I’m going to keep asking God to use my mustard seed of faith to move mountains. And maybe now all I have is faith. But one day I know that faith will develop a character in me that is more like Christ. Diane Dokko Kim said, “Through our striving to optimize our child’s potential, our heavenly father is working to optimize ours”.
        Jeff eventually calmed himself down after what was probably only 10 minutes but felt like eternity. He apologized to dad and we both went upstairs and told him goodnight. As I kissed him I thought about how real he was and grateful for his vulnerability, as painful as it sometimes was to watch. How often do I refuse to be vulnerable, suppress my feelings, or avoid running to my maker. But Jeff... he can’t. He has to feel every feeling and process it right then and there so he can move on with his life. Maybe I need to feel my feelings more and bring them to my maker more readily. Maybe then I will find more peace, more wholeness, and ultimately more holiness.