The Hardest Year of My Life

​He always said real men don’t cry.  He was the strongest man I knew besides my father, and I’ll never forget that moment I saw tears run down his face as he kissed our 9 month old son goodbye….for a year.  He held him close and kissed him slowly, knowing it might be the last time he ever sees him, depending on how this next year goes. 
            It’s been 6 months so far, halfway through, but it feels like it’s been years.  Everyday should get easier but it just seems harder.  This morning I had to bring my son to the emergency room because I heard crackles and coarse breath sounds when I listened to his chest and today was day 3 of fever, after being diagnosed with Strep.  All I could think was that he possibly had pneumonia, and so did the doctor when we got there.  “Lets do a chest x-ray” he said.  He writhed in discomfort in my arms, tired and and helpless.  My arms hurt from holding him so much the past few days.  My husband was the baby whisperer when it came to comforting him when he was sick.  But he only wanted his momma.  And yet, I felt so exhausted…having strep myself and staying up half the night with him.  Praise God, it wasn’t pneumonia. 
            My parents came in town that afternoon and I went for a run.  Those who know me well know that when I find a song I like I listen to it on repeat several times.  Lauren Daigle’s new song “rescue” spoke straight to my heart and that was played on repeat while I reflected on my current state of life.
            My prayer time the past few days had been me crying and asking God, “where are you?” or “I need you….please give me strength.”
            I hear you whisper underneath your breath
            I hear your SOS, your SOS
He hears…thank God he hears my cries.  Thank God for doctors and nurses reassuring me baby boy is going to be okay.  Thank God we have each other. 
            I will send out an army to find you in the middle of the darkest night
Thank God for my family showing up when I was about to pull my hair out and had no strength left.  Thank God for the sitter that offered to babysit tomorrow.  Thank God for my therapist who sees my deep wounds and sufferings and is afraid to go to that deep place with me.  Thank God for the army He sends, even if it’s not always in the way I would plan or in my timing. 
I will never stop marching to reach you in the middle of the hardest fight….I will rescue you
God will provide…always.  Now when people stop me to ask me how I’m doing the first thing out of my mouth is “relying on God”.  I give absolutely all credit to him.  No, I’m not strong but He is and as long I’m aware of how close God is and how much He loves me I will be equipped to fight any battle.
This past Friday I spent over an hour talking to a new cancer patient.  She wanted a reason to how she had developed this type of cancer, but she had none of the risk factors and no family history.  “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”  I wanted to fix it and I wanted to give her a reason, but all I could do was sit with her through the pain, hold her hand, and tell her she was going to be okay.  And if this didn’t turn out okay, we would be there for her.  It didn’t seem like enough, it never does.  But it helped.  She gave me the biggest hug afterward with tear filled eyes and I saw her grow stronger in that moment, a glimmer of hope in her eyes. 
We all have a battle we are fighting at some point, and we desperately need to be there for each other and cling to God, trusting in His grace that is always sufficient.  God said He would go after that one sheep that strayed…and don’t we all feel strayed and lost when we are suffering.  It’s usually those times when we feel the most alone and afraid.  Whether it’s losing a child or parent, losing your home, being diagnosed with cancer, seeing your child struggle with addiction, or sending off a loved one to be deployed…we suffer. 
You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence shaken
            He sees you, even though you feel unseen.  He sees your suffering and wants to wipe your tears just like a mother wants to take away her child’s pain and suffering.  Let Him hold you close, and pray without ceasing.  You can fight any battle if you let God be your stronghold…if you let Him who is LOVE provide your armour.
That’s one of the hardest, but most beautiful things about love.  We enter into it knowing that it will cause us pain, yet if the love itself is greater than the pain, it will be the source of our strength.
He will send you the army you need.  Trust in Him in the midst of your suffering.  And don’t be afraid to be an army, a soldier to someone who is lonely or suffering.
Mother Theresa said loneliness is a much greater poverty than a person who has nothing to eat.  If anything, this hard time has taught me that we desperately need to be there for each other.  If you see someone that is hurting or struggling, please don’t be afraid to reach out to them and whether it’s a smile, a pat on the bag, delivering a meal, or assisting a hand.  To the person that helped me at the post office last week, thank you. My child screamed and tried to wiggle out of one of my arms while I packed a box with the other arm to send to my husband oversees, and you walked up to me and took the box over the box and packaging so I could tend to my child.  No I don’t think it was weird that I don’t know you and you offered a helping hand.  I think more people need to reach out.  I’ve never asked for help as much as I have this past year, and although it’s humbling, it makes me realize I wasn’t made to live life alone.  We need each other…we need to be Jesus to each other.  Don’t be afraid to reach out and love those strangers you see even when you feel like your own world is falling apart.  Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.  You are not alone.  And that’s all that people want to know. 
I can’t tell my cancer patient’s “I know what you’re going through” because I don’t.  I have never had cancer or chemotherapy, or anything that severe and painful.  But I can empathize with them, enter into that suffering with them, and remind them that they are not alone and I’ll be there every step of the way. 
The other day I read a quote that said, “When you finally learn that a person’s behavior has more to do with their own internal struggle than it ever did with you…you learn grace. 
Our job is to love people where they are, as they are, whether we are loved in return or not.  Have you ever met a person who just looks like they are having a bad day or seems angry? Loving them is tough terrain to risk walking on when you might not know how they will respond to you.  Especially if you aren’t especially close to the person.  Sometimes it’s easier to ignore a stranger or co-worker who is in a bad mood than your own immediate family members.  But remember, you don’t know that person’s story.  You might be the only ray of sunshine they encounter today.  So take that risk…take a leap of faith and love them as they are with a simple act of kindness.  Let God use you to be part of His army and help out a wounded soldier. 
 

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