​ 
I can feel his anxiety and frustration. You could hear him screaming through the entire house. I just wanted to calm him down. A friend once told me a parent is only as happy as their saddest child. I think one of the worst feelings as a parent is to see your child struggling and not being able to fix it, to relive their pain. Especially when it affects their physical and mental well being.
Jeff has autism and really struggles with transitions and control. He wants me to do a lot of things instead of dad. Tonight we told him, “mommy will give you a bath and daddy will put you to bed” several times to try and prepare him for us to divide and conquer. “Okay!” he said, as though it wasn’t a big deal. But then when it was time to read books he couldn’t stand the fact that dad was going to read to him. We gave him choices of going straight to bed or reading books with dad, and he just ran away screaming as though someone was torturing him and saying, “Mommy! Mommy! I want mommy to do it!” So we kept to our discipline strategy to not give into his desires. We didn’t want him to learn that yelling would get him what he wants. Dad carried him upstairs in a fit of rage. All I could do was pray because I felt numb. We were doing what the ABA therapist had suggested but nothing about it felt right. His suffering felt so unjust. I prayed to mother Mary wondering how she endured watching her son suffer on the cross. Maybe she thought of us and how his suffering was for sinners to be free and be able to live in heaven one day. But what the heck is Jeff’s suffering for? He is a child. I don’t understand. My husband recently told me that when he shared his frustrations with a priest he suggested that maybe this was our path to Holiness. Maybe, not understanding, but accepting and searching for God through all of it could bring us peace. I do think that his struggles have brought us the fruits of compassion, humility, patience, and acceptance. I do think I’ve prayed more than I ever have in my whole life since he was born. I don’t understand why God lets him feel such strong emotions and maybe I never will. But for now I’m going to keep asking God to work with him and help him cope through his difficulties and anger. I’m going to keep asking God to use us to be His eyes, ears, hands, and feet for Jeff. I’m going to keep asking God to use my mustard seed of faith to move mountains. And maybe now all I have is faith. But one day I know that faith will develop a character in me that is more like Christ. Diane Dokko Kim said, “Through our striving to optimize our child’s potential, our heavenly father is working to optimize ours”.
        Jeff eventually calmed himself down after what was probably only 10 minutes but felt like eternity. He apologized to dad and we both went upstairs and told him goodnight. As I kissed him I thought about how real he was and grateful for his vulnerability, as painful as it sometimes was to watch. How often do I refuse to be vulnerable, suppress my feelings, or avoid running to my maker. But Jeff... he can’t. He has to feel every feeling and process it right then and there so he can move on with his life. Maybe I need to feel my feelings more and bring them to my maker more readily. Maybe then I will find more peace, more wholeness, and ultimately more holiness.

​I think I had stepped about a foot away from him when he said, “mommy come back!” I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. No matter how much time I spent with him it wasn’t enough. My 3 year old autistic son didn’t want me to leave his side. He ran away from dad. I started to move around the kitchen, making his lunch and packing his bag while he screamed at me and I could feel his anxiety. I tried to reply calmly and explain to him why I couldn’t go sit on the couch and watch television. I even gave him a long hug but it didn’t help. He wanted what he wanted and wasn’t going to let it go. That’s my Jeff. He’s all about control. And he doesn’t like not finishing a task that he started.
Lately, he has not been taking naps at school and I think it’s probably making all his stress worse. Tonight we put him to bed very early, and we will see if that helps.
We are on the waiting list for ABA therapy and they should have an opening next month. It’s all about trial and error with these little ones. Prepping them for what they can’t control, for changes in routine, and for the uncomfortable. But how the heck am I supposed to do that everyday when life happens?  How often I plan my days and those plans don’t workout. What do you do then? 
If I’m being honest, I fear for his future. If he has these meltdowns now, what will puberty look like with added hormones? What if Dad or I are not there to help him calm down when he has a meltdown?  He screams until he turns purple and thrashes his arms for what feels like eternity. Sometimes it’s 10 minutes and other times its 30 minutes. The pain we have to bear….why God?  Why? I don’t understand but I trust you because I know your love is bigger than my fears and what I see before me. You go before me and know well the plans you have for my heart. Yet I want to scream and cry and throw things myself because some days it doesn’t feel fair. Tonight I’m the elephant in the circle and I called a sister friend in a similar situation asking for prayers and support. It was therapy for my soul. If you know, you know.
And somehow, I wouldn’t change him at all. I love how he is so attentive to detail, how much he loves books, how much he loves quiet, his gentle soul, and his excitement for animals and outer space. I love how much he loves to be silly and can laugh at the same thing over again as though it’s the first time. His meltdowns teach me patience and fortitude. His slowness reminds me to be present.
Glennon Doyle once wrote that she asks her writers, what is the truest, most beautiful story about your life you can imagine? The mother of a second dying child wrote, “I can imagine a thousand easier stories about mothers and sons. I can think of a million happier ones. But I cannot imagine a single story truer or more beautiful than the heartbreaking one I’m living now, with my boys.”
Touche. Although my children aren’t dying, I cannot imagine Jeff as a different boy. I don’t want a perfect story. That might be easier but it doesn’t bring about true, beautiful character that has been developed through trials and stumbled through many storms. I want to fight the good fight. I want to do what it takes to make Jeff the best version of himself, and in doing so become the best version of myself. That is what my heart desires.
I once read the question of whether we would bring our special needs children to be healed by Jesus if he were here today. Some days I want Jesus to heal Jeff, but often times I think if I brought him to Jesus he would just place his hand on my heart to give me the eyes to see the beauty of it all.
 
 
 

​“I had no idea it would be this much. I had no idea I could handle it. I had no idea how beautiful it all actually is.” -Tyler Knott Gregson
 
This quote resonates with my soul. So often times I complain that life is too hard or wish my circumstances were different. However, if I really step aside and reflect on all the things God has given me and all the things going right in my life I instantly regret all my words of ingratitude. Why am I not waking up every morning pinching myself because I’m so happy?  I should be, right?  I asked my father this question hoping for some profound insight. Instead of offering this he spoke the words my heart needed most, “me too Caroline, me too.  Life is hard. And it’s so easy to lose sight of how beautiful it really is and how easy we have it compared to some people.”
I never knew being a mother of two children would be this demanding. I never knew taking care of yourself with a full time job and 2 children would be hard. I never imagined having an autistic child. I never imagined dealing with chronic joint pain. I never imagined my husband being deployed for a year. I never imagined a close relative having to battle cancer. I never imagined a close friend battling addiction. I never imagined my baby in the NICU.
All this stuff. Doesn’t it make you just want to shake your fist at God and ask him why. And at the same time you don’t want to pray because it doesn’t make sense, but you know He understands better than anyone. The cross didn’t make sense, and yet somehow he was able to carry through the suffering by finding love.
Maybe He lets these crosses enter our life so we can find Him, draw close to the cross, and find love. Maybe through accepting our sufferings we can become more like Him…more like Love itself. We were not made for this life, and these circumstances are precisely the greatest reminder of that.
A friend called me several weeks ago and told me she felt depressed after breaking up with her long term boyfriend. She said she didn’t feel like she should be sad because she hadn’t endured nearly all the suffering of another close relative.
Comparison is the thief of all joy. So often I believe we numb our pain or sorrows thinking it will make us stronger. So often we think we should or shouldn’t feel a certain way. You are the way God made you and there is nothing more authentic then being true to yourself and owning your feelings. I’m not saying you need to have a pitty party and withdraw into agony for days. Grieving is necessary but we shouldn’t let a spirit of grief take over our life. God created us with a beautiful purpose and the fact that you are alive and breathing means he still has a plan for you. We don’t want to miss His plan by getting stuck thinking about how things used to be and may never be again.
As humans we don’t like change. Consistency brings us comfort and creates less stress. However, as we get older we often become less resilient physically, mentally, and spiritually. But the one thing that is never changing is our good God. And how he longs to Father us during these difficult circumstances. He longs for our hearts to shift their focus onto him.
One of my favorite quotes by Joyce Meyer is “what we focus on becomes the largest part of our life”. One of the things I learned through having a child with autism is when they are focused on something and have trouble shifting their outlook, to redirect them to something exciting, something they can look forward to. Also, sometimes in the moment to help show them how the one toy or shirt or game they aren’t excited about can be exciting. Essentially, to change their perspective. It doesn’t always come naturally but it almost always works.
Maybe you can’t change your circumstances. Maybe things aren’t working out for you right now or you feel like your life is so much harder than it used to be. Change your perspective. Rather than complaining about not having time to eat healthy, get off social media, and meal prep so you can have that time and food, so you can have that energy. Rather than complaining that you can’t run marathons anymore, be grateful that you can run or try a different exercise that brings you joy. Rather than complaining that you don’t have time for yourself or time to pray, wake up 30 minutes earlier. You have time. You have energy. You have an abundant life…if you look for it. Make time for what is important to you, and keep a grateful heart. God will always give you grace for your place if you let Him.
 
 

​I recently started reading Brene Brown’s “The gifts of imperfection” for the second time.  In this she talks about love and belonging.  In this she talks about the difference between fitting in and belonging. Fitting in requires us to change or become who we need to be within a certain situation for approval; whereas belonging simply requires us to be ourselves without changing anything. She emphasizes that love and belonging cannot be separated because when we are most ourselves we feel truly loved and appreciated, despite our imperfections.
            The same day I read this I ironically was listening to Father Mike Schmitz’s podcast on the fall of Adam and Eve which touches on a similar concept.  I had heard the story of Adam and Eve many times so I doubted there was anything new I would take away from this podcast; quite the contrary. Father Schmitz discussed how when the serpent tempts Adam and Eve, he is not just challenging whether or not they believe in God, but whether they belong to him.  In essence, he is asking them if they will obey him because they know He loves them and wants the best for them.  So often times when we choose sin, not only are we doubting God’s love, but we are making the decision that we don’t belong to Him anymore.  Brene brown says, “We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we are meant to be. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.” Essentially, we sin or turn to sin.
When God says, “Who told you that you were naked, have you eaten of the tree I asked you not to eat?” Sometimes we hear that as God’s anger instead of the heartbreak of our father who loves us so much. The heartbreak that his children chose something against belonging to Him; against love itself.
            God proceeds to talk about labor pains women will endure and the suffering of man. However, this is not meant to be a curse but rather a remedy.  I was surprised to hear this because I always thought of it as a punishment.  A remedy?  He goes on to explain that love always involves sacrifice. God knew that the only way for them to be brought back to love, to be brought home and belong to Him, would be to embrace and know love itself through their own everyday crosses and sacrifices.  God guards the tree of life.  Not because he doesn’t want them to live forever, but because he doesn’t want them to live in that brokenness forever. He wants them to spend eternity with him.
            Brene brown points out that “the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.” This was a moment of clarity for me.  This is why God allows us to suffer.  He knows that we were created for love and to belong to him. Anything less than that will tempt us to doubt his goodness and our own inherent goodness, straying toward fitting in and gaining approval.  And when we stray from God, not trusting Him or loving our most authentic selves, we often choose sin. God knew that the only way back home to our father’s heart would be to attach our suffering to that of the cross, to come to know him intimately and rely on him as children.  So yes, God knows that we will suffer and allows us this only because love cannot exist without suffering.  And since God is love we cannot find our true selves and feel whole until we let God embrace us through the cross, through our sufferings. 
            In our perfectionist society it is easy to forget who we are and get caught up in striving and hustling for approval.  I challenge you to reflect on whose who are, despite your actions and imperfections.  Sacrifice your time for another, embrace your struggle, accept your current uncomfortable situation, and find God in the midst of it all.  There you will find love. 

​Recently my therapist told me that to take a break during a fight, to walk away and pause for a few minutes, is not giving up.  It’s simply giving yourself permission to stop instead of simply reacting.  To take a deep breath and analyze a situation rationally.  It’s giving yourself permission to slow down time without making a rushed decision based on your current emotions or perceptions.  I considered it strange that I had never thought to do this before but I guess I felt like walking away, even for a moment, would mean giving up.  It’s interesting though because when I put this advice into action everything worked out beautifully and made sense. 
            Isn’t that how we feel about life sometimes?  God wants us to pause…to go and be with him or just take a breath and step away from the chaos and to do lists.  Yet we keep going through our days as though we are robots that would malfunction if we possibly took the time to rest.  And I don’t mean watching tv, getting a massage, or scrolling through your phone.  I mean just sitting without doing anything and breathing deeply.  Indeed, we are human beings, not human doers.  Yet, we live in a world of instant gratification that tells us to do more, be more, and achieve more to be happy.
            I’m currently taking an online class on the science of well-being and this week we are practicing savoring moments, even the small ones.  Today while I was pushing my little boy on the swing I reminded myself to appreciate that moment fully.  I took in the joy from his smile, the air filled with his laughter, and just fully bathed in the weight of that moment.  I was filled with so much peace just from that simple act.  Through normally a senseless task of folding laundry I chose to pause and look for how I could savor it.  I thanked God for the hands that could move and feel the warmth of the clean sheets and a nose that could smell the freshness.  Pausing seems to weigh a moment down and slow down time bringing about a peace that rushing never could.  The irony is that I already know this…I’ve counted my blessings and made my gratitude lists and read 1000 gifts by Ann Voskamp.  However, I need to be reminded to slow down because we live in a world constantly telling us that faster is better and it’s so easy to get caught up in that perception. 
            Although this Coronavirus has brought about much chaos, I’m an eternal optimist so I have to look for the good in it.  And I believe that good is reminding our society to slow down and pause.  In doing so, we may begin to savor moments, focus on what’s important, think clearer, give more, and love better.  To those of you like me who don’t like to give up…go take a break…it doesn’t mean you are quitting.  Give yourself permission to slow down and just be still.  You will have more energy, time, and love for your family and the world than you had before.  You can’t give from an empty cup.  I pray that during this time you may receive God’s love, rest, be still, and be filled with more than enough to give back when this is all over.  I hope less people will respond with “I’m so busy” when asked how they are doing.  A man preparing to climb mount Everest won’t use that phrase because his time is intentional.  I pray our time, actions, and overall perception on life become more sculpted with intention and meaning.  Let not your days be wasted…we are all here for a purpose. 
 

​He always said real men don’t cry.  He was the strongest man I knew besides my father, and I’ll never forget that moment I saw tears run down his face as he kissed our 9 month old son goodbye….for a year.  He held him close and kissed him slowly, knowing it might be the last time he ever sees him, depending on how this next year goes. 
            It’s been 6 months so far, halfway through, but it feels like it’s been years.  Everyday should get easier but it just seems harder.  This morning I had to bring my son to the emergency room because I heard crackles and coarse breath sounds when I listened to his chest and today was day 3 of fever, after being diagnosed with Strep.  All I could think was that he possibly had pneumonia, and so did the doctor when we got there.  “Lets do a chest x-ray” he said.  He writhed in discomfort in my arms, tired and and helpless.  My arms hurt from holding him so much the past few days.  My husband was the baby whisperer when it came to comforting him when he was sick.  But he only wanted his momma.  And yet, I felt so exhausted…having strep myself and staying up half the night with him.  Praise God, it wasn’t pneumonia. 
            My parents came in town that afternoon and I went for a run.  Those who know me well know that when I find a song I like I listen to it on repeat several times.  Lauren Daigle’s new song “rescue” spoke straight to my heart and that was played on repeat while I reflected on my current state of life.
            My prayer time the past few days had been me crying and asking God, “where are you?” or “I need you….please give me strength.”
            I hear you whisper underneath your breath
            I hear your SOS, your SOS
He hears…thank God he hears my cries.  Thank God for doctors and nurses reassuring me baby boy is going to be okay.  Thank God we have each other. 
            I will send out an army to find you in the middle of the darkest night
Thank God for my family showing up when I was about to pull my hair out and had no strength left.  Thank God for the sitter that offered to babysit tomorrow.  Thank God for my therapist who sees my deep wounds and sufferings and is afraid to go to that deep place with me.  Thank God for the army He sends, even if it’s not always in the way I would plan or in my timing. 
I will never stop marching to reach you in the middle of the hardest fight….I will rescue you
God will provide…always.  Now when people stop me to ask me how I’m doing the first thing out of my mouth is “relying on God”.  I give absolutely all credit to him.  No, I’m not strong but He is and as long I’m aware of how close God is and how much He loves me I will be equipped to fight any battle.
This past Friday I spent over an hour talking to a new cancer patient.  She wanted a reason to how she had developed this type of cancer, but she had none of the risk factors and no family history.  “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”  I wanted to fix it and I wanted to give her a reason, but all I could do was sit with her through the pain, hold her hand, and tell her she was going to be okay.  And if this didn’t turn out okay, we would be there for her.  It didn’t seem like enough, it never does.  But it helped.  She gave me the biggest hug afterward with tear filled eyes and I saw her grow stronger in that moment, a glimmer of hope in her eyes. 
We all have a battle we are fighting at some point, and we desperately need to be there for each other and cling to God, trusting in His grace that is always sufficient.  God said He would go after that one sheep that strayed…and don’t we all feel strayed and lost when we are suffering.  It’s usually those times when we feel the most alone and afraid.  Whether it’s losing a child or parent, losing your home, being diagnosed with cancer, seeing your child struggle with addiction, or sending off a loved one to be deployed…we suffer. 
You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence shaken
            He sees you, even though you feel unseen.  He sees your suffering and wants to wipe your tears just like a mother wants to take away her child’s pain and suffering.  Let Him hold you close, and pray without ceasing.  You can fight any battle if you let God be your stronghold…if you let Him who is LOVE provide your armour.
That’s one of the hardest, but most beautiful things about love.  We enter into it knowing that it will cause us pain, yet if the love itself is greater than the pain, it will be the source of our strength.
He will send you the army you need.  Trust in Him in the midst of your suffering.  And don’t be afraid to be an army, a soldier to someone who is lonely or suffering.
Mother Theresa said loneliness is a much greater poverty than a person who has nothing to eat.  If anything, this hard time has taught me that we desperately need to be there for each other.  If you see someone that is hurting or struggling, please don’t be afraid to reach out to them and whether it’s a smile, a pat on the bag, delivering a meal, or assisting a hand.  To the person that helped me at the post office last week, thank you. My child screamed and tried to wiggle out of one of my arms while I packed a box with the other arm to send to my husband oversees, and you walked up to me and took the box over the box and packaging so I could tend to my child.  No I don’t think it was weird that I don’t know you and you offered a helping hand.  I think more people need to reach out.  I’ve never asked for help as much as I have this past year, and although it’s humbling, it makes me realize I wasn’t made to live life alone.  We need each other…we need to be Jesus to each other.  Don’t be afraid to reach out and love those strangers you see even when you feel like your own world is falling apart.  Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.  You are not alone.  And that’s all that people want to know. 
I can’t tell my cancer patient’s “I know what you’re going through” because I don’t.  I have never had cancer or chemotherapy, or anything that severe and painful.  But I can empathize with them, enter into that suffering with them, and remind them that they are not alone and I’ll be there every step of the way. 
The other day I read a quote that said, “When you finally learn that a person’s behavior has more to do with their own internal struggle than it ever did with you…you learn grace. 
Our job is to love people where they are, as they are, whether we are loved in return or not.  Have you ever met a person who just looks like they are having a bad day or seems angry? Loving them is tough terrain to risk walking on when you might not know how they will respond to you.  Especially if you aren’t especially close to the person.  Sometimes it’s easier to ignore a stranger or co-worker who is in a bad mood than your own immediate family members.  But remember, you don’t know that person’s story.  You might be the only ray of sunshine they encounter today.  So take that risk…take a leap of faith and love them as they are with a simple act of kindness.  Let God use you to be part of His army and help out a wounded soldier. 
 

I don’t know who cried more tonight, me or the baby.  Of course I didn’t let him hear me cry. I just felt the tears run down my face and let his meet mine.  Another ear infection, after tubes, on Christmas Eve.  Dad is away for work and the family is out.  He hasn’t let me put him down for hours, and I can feel him sweating as the fever breaks.  My thoughts were that this is possibly the worst Christmas ever. 
Lately I’ve been trying to make a point to look for the good in everything and keep a perspective of gratitude.  But right now all I wanted to do was throw something at a Christmas tree because I really didn’t feel like being Joyful, and I felt very alone.  My thoughts shifted toward Mary and the birth of Christ.  I began to dwell on what pain she might have endured that night.  The bible doesn’t go into detail, but I can imagine she went through a great deal of agony before she had him.  I mean, it’s not like they had an anaesthesiologist there to give her an epidural. Even after a child is born, your hormones can get a little crazy and maybe she even had some baby blues.  Some believe because she was without sin and holy she didn’t endure labor pains, but I guarantee you she suffered in spirit.  I don’t think I could ride 90 miles on a donkey at 32 weeks without knowing where I’m delivering and still have a smile on my face.
Can you imagine looking at your newborn, falling in love with him, and then realizing he was going to die before you in a few years and there was nothing you could do to stop it?  Okay my babies ear infection isn’t that bad and his dad will be home soon. But seriously.  We think of Christ’s coming as all good and joyful, because it was exactly that.  But through many of Jesus’ revelations, there was a great deal of suffering involved before he revealed himself or his healing powers.  It’s easy to focus on a miracle or the final revelation and not spend so much time contemplating the suffering it took to get there.   And honestly, it’s kind of depressing to focus on pain and suffering.  But without it we wouldn’t have Joy.  Without the cross we wouldn’t have Christ.  Without Mary’s sacrifice and leap of faith we wouldn’t have the baby Jesus and Christmas itself.
As beautiful as this holiday can be, it can also be a painful reminder of people we have loved and lost, tragedies we have endured, or troublesome situations we may be currently facing.  And it seems even harder when you are surrounded by social media, lights, singing, and world telling you that it’s the happiest time of the year.  You may feel even more alone.  And that’s okay. 
This year know that Christmas may not come for you on 12/25.  But it will come, in God’s timing.  He sees your labor pains, your scars, and your persevering heart.  Turn to him, as a child and let him help you carry whatever burden you may be facing this Christmas.  Let Him be your gift. 
Merry Christmas.
 
 

Today I told my mom that God has given me the gift of faith because I have this inner hope that never dies, and I know it’s from Jesus but I can’t explain it.  She said, I know and I’m not surprised….I have a story to tell you.” I always knew my mother had trouble getting pregnant, but I never heard the depth of the struggles of her pregnancy until tonight.  First of all, she prayed to have a baby for 10 years….10 years! And I have trouble saying a Novena for 9 consecutive days.  When she finally got pregnant the doctors told her “it won’t last; there’s no way this baby will live”.  In my mind I would have been petrified, but she had the confidence of the virgin Mary that God had purposely placed a child in her womb. Her perseverance in prayer gave her a hope that surpassed most human understanding.  Then the doctors tell her that her uterus is not the normal upside down triangle shape that most women have, but it looks more like a heart with a septum down the middle.  Okay and?  Well if she does grow she will have to position herself very awkwardly so all her organs turn out normally, and there is a possibility of miscarriage and preterm labor.  Really God?  I could imagine myself saying, “Am I supposed to wake up everyday for 9 months hoping I can carry this child, birth her, and if she is alive that she comes out normal?”  How she wasn’t mad at God I have no clue, but she said she never prayed more in her whole life then she did during those 9 months.  She prayed for me to be a fighter and that I would turn out normal/healthy.  She prayed for me to have unshakeable faith and that I would do something great in this world.  And then, her worst nightmare happened.  She slipped and fell on her back at 6 months.  She was rushed to the emergency room and again they told her, “she is fine…not exactly what we expected but she is okay.  I hope you make it to term.  I don’t know how she has survived in the position that she is in considering the shape of your uterus.”  Then the unspeakable happened….she made it to term and delivered.  As they prepared to do a cesarean section she mentally prepared herself to handle whatever God had given her, whether that was a deformed child, healthy child, etc.  They placed a beautiful healthy baby girl in her arms and she cried tears of Joy, tears of gratitude.  “It’s a miracle” the doctor said, “I honestly didn’t think she would make it.”  “Yea, I knew she would because God had a plan”, my mom said.  I cried after hearing this story; tears of gratitude capturing the story of a loved child.  I say a loved child because in today’s world we so often forget our value and worth, we so often forget just how unconditionally loved we are by God.  But HE, God himself not only made me as a gift, but asked them through prayer and hope, and great suffering to love me anyway.  To love me without the facts and science that pointed towards death.  He asked them to pray so that he could create a hope in them that they couldn’t foster themselves.  It is only when we choose a radical love that demands prayer without doubt, hope without evidence, and love in the midst of suffering that we encounter Christ in way that leads to an unexplainable freedom.  Unfortunately, so many times we are swayed by the evil one in the world choosing to corrupt all that is good and fruitful in God’s plan for our wellbeing.  He takes the beauty of a child yet to be born and proposes death as the only means to birthing a plentiful life for oneself.  Yet if we could see that it is only by dying of oneself through suffering that Christ is able to birth life in us.  It is then and only then that we find true Joy which far outlasts the temporary pseudo-happiness that evil proposes.  If you are reading this and your heart is beating, know you are a loved child of God.  Thank your mother for choosing to suffer the pains of pregnancy and labor so you, life itself, could be birthed into this world.  And remember just how special and important you are to God.  He has a great plan for you and loved you even to the point of death on a cross.  Choose life today.  Choose Love.  And more importantly…choose to love yourself so that God may be glorified.